Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost.
I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge.
God was in the garden, and God was in my head, but my heart wasn't open...
All these words, I've been hearing them over and over and over again for the past week. I can't turn Viva La Vida off. I am in love with every song. Almost trying to make them my salvation in a very strange way. I think it's the honesty, the rawness, the random, layered beats that are so out of the box that represent the diversity and unity within a life or many connected lives.
Not only this, but Chris Martin is really singing. I mean, it's his voice. Nothing fake, nothing tried. He just sings. He is just who he is, no holding back, nothing pretentious. This is the epitome of music...true music.
The thing about me is that music is life, and life is music. So, what is my out-of-control addiction to tracks 1-11 of Coldplay's latest record indicative of? What in my life drives me to hit play anytime I get in my car or get on the computer?
I'm searching for something. Love. Truth. Comfort. Love. Did I say that already? Should I say it again? I hardly pray, I hardly think, yet it feels like all I can do is think and I can't stop no matter how hard I try. I run and run all day long, and at the end of the day my brain keeps turning, asking me what I could have done better, and how I should behave and feel and what I should say, or what I shouldn't say at all, and why and why not. And just because something shouldn't be said now doesn't mean it shouldn't be said in the future, right? But see, this is just me being worrisome. So, how do I transfer my mental burdens and worries to the One who loves me more than I can ever know and wants to take them? How do I wake up to this love and live in it? The thing that would keep me alive and thriving, the thing I feel like I can't grasp because I'm starving.
I don't understand. There are so many things that I want and so many things that I am sure of, and yet everything is so crazy and unsure. I feel so unprepared and young. But life is speeding by and I'm just learning to breathe.
Okay, maybe I'll plug in some Switchfoot soon...
I wrote a poem.
I always complain that I don’t like the rain
But I lie
Hair like it wants to wash away my stains
My very cloudy
You who are sunshine in my life though perhaps just a
Of light so strong and clean and good and changing