Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost.
I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge.
God was in the garden, and God was in my head, but my heart wasn't open...
All these words, I've been hearing them over and over and over again for the past week. I can't turn Viva La Vida off. I am in love with every song. Almost trying to make them my salvation in a very strange way. I think it's the honesty, the rawness, the random, layered beats that are so out of the box that represent the diversity and unity within a life or many connected lives.
Not only this, but Chris Martin is really singing. I mean, it's his voice. Nothing fake, nothing tried. He just sings. He is just who he is, no holding back, nothing pretentious. This is the epitome of music...true music.
The thing about me is that music is life, and life is music. So, what is my out-of-control addiction to tracks 1-11 of Coldplay's latest record indicative of? What in my life drives me to hit play anytime I get in my car or get on the computer?
I'm searching for something. Love. Truth. Comfort. Love. Did I say that already? Should I say it again? I hardly pray, I hardly think, yet it feels like all I can do is think and I can't stop no matter how hard I try. I run and run all day long, and at the end of the day my brain keeps turning, asking me what I could have done better, and how I should behave and feel and what I should say, or what I shouldn't say at all, and why and why not. And just because something shouldn't be said now doesn't mean it shouldn't be said in the future, right? But see, this is just me being worrisome. So, how do I transfer my mental burdens and worries to the One who loves me more than I can ever know and wants to take them? How do I wake up to this love and live in it? The thing that would keep me alive and thriving, the thing I feel like I can't grasp because I'm starving.
I don't understand. There are so many things that I want and so many things that I am sure of, and yet everything is so crazy and unsure. I feel so unprepared and young. But life is speeding by and I'm just learning to breathe.
Okay, maybe I'll plug in some Switchfoot soon...
PS
I wrote a poem.
I always complain that I don’t like the rain
But I lie
Drops
Come
Drip
ing
Hit
ing
m
y
Hair like it wants to wash away my stains
My very cloudy
Thoughts
About
Fall
Ing
Dro
Wn
Ing
In
You who are sunshine in my life though perhaps just a
Ray.
Of light so strong and clean and good and changing
Like
The
R
A
I
N
.
.
.
.
.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Good Bye to all my Thoughts as all my Striving Takes Over
It's time I started being specific.
The other day I met this woman. I actually met two women, and the fact that I say two women makes me feel like I'm calling myself a women, because of one of the two was 22. Three years older than me. If she's a woman, then I'm a woman. But that's a topic for another post...
Or maybe not.
Anyways, we met and talked about Missions. It was ordained. Perfect. A deliberate action of three people passionate about their God and their world, and striving to reach out and behave in the way we are convicted to--to reach out to the lost and point them to healing, and to encourage others on the same road that we're on.
Well, I started this post about two weeks ago now...looks like being specific will have to be saved for another time
Right now, homework and responsibility is eating me alive. And I'm ignoring my time with God. It's that grossness of His being far away only because I've wandered in a different direction...while still doing what I'm meant to do...??
I hope that the randomness and disconnectedness of this writing illustrates my life adequately.
The other day I met this woman. I actually met two women, and the fact that I say two women makes me feel like I'm calling myself a women, because of one of the two was 22. Three years older than me. If she's a woman, then I'm a woman. But that's a topic for another post...
Or maybe not.
Anyways, we met and talked about Missions. It was ordained. Perfect. A deliberate action of three people passionate about their God and their world, and striving to reach out and behave in the way we are convicted to--to reach out to the lost and point them to healing, and to encourage others on the same road that we're on.
Well, I started this post about two weeks ago now...looks like being specific will have to be saved for another time
Right now, homework and responsibility is eating me alive. And I'm ignoring my time with God. It's that grossness of His being far away only because I've wandered in a different direction...while still doing what I'm meant to do...??
I hope that the randomness and disconnectedness of this writing illustrates my life adequately.
Friday, March 20, 2009
On a Lazy Friday Afternoon
40 Secrets about yourself.Be honest no matter what.
[one] Have you ever been asked out?
well, indirectly. he tricked me.
[two] Where is your default picture take??
my dorm room
[three] What's your middle name?
Lynn
[four] Your current relationship status
Single
[five] Does your crush like you back?
Possibly...?
[six] What is your current mood?
calm and relaxed and appreciative
[seven] What color of underwear are you wearing?
yellow
[eight] What color shirt are you wearing?
orange and pink tanks
[nine] Missing something?
Um...information.
[ten] If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?
things that I have said, or haven't said.
[eleven] If you must be an animal for one day, what?
turtle, just to be at the beach :)
[twelve] Ever had a near-death experience?
maybe just careless driving...
[thirteen] Something you do a lot?
homework and sitting...
[fourteen] The song stuck in your head?
Again and Again by Bird and the Bee, and See the Way by Misty Edwards
where did [fifteen] go?
[sixteen] Name someone with the same birthday as YOU.
Nick Kizzee
[seventeen] last time you cried.
this afternoon...it's good
[eighteen] Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
I used to sing for church...50-60 people...
[nineteen] If you could have one super power what would it be?
Oh man, I used to have an answer for this! I can't remember...
[twenty] What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
Face/body shape
[twenty-one] What do you usually order from starbucks?
Wild Sweet Orange Hot Tea
[twenty-two] What's your biggest secret?
not yours.
[twenty-three] Favorite color?
Orange
[twenty-four] Do you still watch kiddie shows?
When I do watch tv, it's either the Office, House, Lost, or something random. So, no.
[twenty-five] What is a line from one of your favorite songs?
I really like, "Cath, she stands, with a well intentioned man. She can't, relax, with his hand, on the small, of her back." from Cath by Death Cab
[twenty-six] What are you???
human, tired, happy, grungy.
[twenty-seven] Do you speak any other language?
Working on Spanish and German
[twenty-eight] What's your favorite smell?
The clean spring, sun, rain smell!
[twenty-nine] Describe your life in one word what it be?
Everything
[thirty] What is one thing you would like to learn how to do?
Play bar chords with excellence
[thirty-one] Have you ever kissed in the rain?
nope
[thirty-two] What are you thinking about right now?
my ethnography, exercising, people
[thirty-three] What should you be doing?
actually, nothing!
[thirty-four] Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Mom, but it's all good now :)
[thirty-five] How often do you talk to God?
Pretty much every day. Not going to lie, sometimes I don't really talk to Him. We're working on that.
and [thirty-six]! where did [thirty-six] go??
[thirty-seven] If you could have any name in the world, what would you want?
My true one. If Victoria's it, then we're set to go. I don't know if I could think of another name to change to.
[thirty-eight] Do you act differently around the person you like?
yes, in a weird way
[thirty-nine] What is your natural hair color?
the one it is right now. Brown/red/gold/white
[forty] Who was the last person to make you cry?
Well, Mom was telling me an incredibly true story and I let out a few tears.
[one] Have you ever been asked out?
well, indirectly. he tricked me.
[two] Where is your default picture take??
my dorm room
[three] What's your middle name?
Lynn
[four] Your current relationship status
Single
[five] Does your crush like you back?
Possibly...?
[six] What is your current mood?
calm and relaxed and appreciative
[seven] What color of underwear are you wearing?
yellow
[eight] What color shirt are you wearing?
orange and pink tanks
[nine] Missing something?
Um...information.
[ten] If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?
things that I have said, or haven't said.
[eleven] If you must be an animal for one day, what?
turtle, just to be at the beach :)
[twelve] Ever had a near-death experience?
maybe just careless driving...
[thirteen] Something you do a lot?
homework and sitting...
[fourteen] The song stuck in your head?
Again and Again by Bird and the Bee, and See the Way by Misty Edwards
where did [fifteen] go?
[sixteen] Name someone with the same birthday as YOU.
Nick Kizzee
[seventeen] last time you cried.
this afternoon...it's good
[eighteen] Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
I used to sing for church...50-60 people...
[nineteen] If you could have one super power what would it be?
Oh man, I used to have an answer for this! I can't remember...
[twenty] What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
Face/body shape
[twenty-one] What do you usually order from starbucks?
Wild Sweet Orange Hot Tea
[twenty-two] What's your biggest secret?
not yours.
[twenty-three] Favorite color?
Orange
[twenty-four] Do you still watch kiddie shows?
When I do watch tv, it's either the Office, House, Lost, or something random. So, no.
[twenty-five] What is a line from one of your favorite songs?
I really like, "Cath, she stands, with a well intentioned man. She can't, relax, with his hand, on the small, of her back." from Cath by Death Cab
[twenty-six] What are you???
human, tired, happy, grungy.
[twenty-seven] Do you speak any other language?
Working on Spanish and German
[twenty-eight] What's your favorite smell?
The clean spring, sun, rain smell!
[twenty-nine] Describe your life in one word what it be?
Everything
[thirty] What is one thing you would like to learn how to do?
Play bar chords with excellence
[thirty-one] Have you ever kissed in the rain?
nope
[thirty-two] What are you thinking about right now?
my ethnography, exercising, people
[thirty-three] What should you be doing?
actually, nothing!
[thirty-four] Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Mom, but it's all good now :)
[thirty-five] How often do you talk to God?
Pretty much every day. Not going to lie, sometimes I don't really talk to Him. We're working on that.
and [thirty-six]! where did [thirty-six] go??
[thirty-seven] If you could have any name in the world, what would you want?
My true one. If Victoria's it, then we're set to go. I don't know if I could think of another name to change to.
[thirty-eight] Do you act differently around the person you like?
yes, in a weird way
[thirty-nine] What is your natural hair color?
the one it is right now. Brown/red/gold/white
[forty] Who was the last person to make you cry?
Well, Mom was telling me an incredibly true story and I let out a few tears.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I'm a Homeschooler
Just for kicks...
Also, I'm ignoring the Azande of Sudan and their witchcraft...
Growing up/now
[x] Own/have owned a denim jumper
[] You were at least 13 when you got your first "trendy" haircut
[] Everything in your closet at some time was referred to as modest
[x] You do/have tucked things in that shouldn't be tucked in
[] You have been a member of at least 3 co-ops
[x] You were a true 16 and never been kissed
[x] Your mom drives a van of some sort
[] You have at least one childhood picture where you, your mom, or all you siblings matched
[] You are/were/will be a PSEO Student
[x] At some point in your life you were more comfortable with adults than kids your own age
[x] Have studied ways to defend your beliefs, debate, and/or create laws
[] Used uber conservative ABecka curriculum
Total: 6
[x] You use big words that most adults could not use in conversation
[] You can use the words sublime, epiphany, and cognicent correctly
[] You have a favorite word.
[x] You have an understanding of Latin root words and how to use them
[x] People from the outside world are [were] referred to as "public schoolers"
[x] You or one of your siblings knits.
[x] You laugh at the decline in literacy in America
[x] You score constantly higher than "public schoolers" on standardized tests.
[] You have no concept of cafeteria food
[x] Family vacations are/ can be referred to as "Field Trips"
[] Traveling on said vacations have included stopping at historical site markers along the way
[] You have never been in a public elementary school, middle school, or high school during regular school hours (any or all of the above)
[x] You have gone to or been involved in a homeschool convention
Total so far: 14
[x] You read books on a regular basis
[] You have taken part in a political protest
[] You were a Pride and Prejudice fan before the movie [depends on which movie]
[x] You were a Lord of the Rings fan prior to the movie
[x] You were a Chronicles of Narnia fan before the movie
[x] You speak a language other than English [ish]
[] You dream of dating characters from books instead of celebrities
Total so far: 18
It (has been) assumed that you:....
[] Have won many spelling bees
[x] Have no social life
[] Have no friends of the opposite gender
[x] Are outstandingly smart
[]Are extremely inept
[] Only listen to classical music
[] Play piano or the violin
[] Do not own a pair of trendy jeans.
[] Have no knowledge of drugs or alcohol
[] Don't date, only court.
[] Have never been to a "party"
[] Know no other beliefs other than what your family believes
Total so far: 20
You have been asked more than 10 times:
[x] If you wear pajamas to school
[x] If you get perfect grades because your mom grades you
[x] If your mom teaches you or if somebody else's mom does
[x] How you meet people
[x] Why you aren't in school
[x] If you get days off whenever you want
[] If you're going to be homeschooled through college
[] If you have a big family
[] What your parents are protecting you from
[] To quote something famous
[] For the answer, because supposedly homeschoolers always have all the answers
Total so far: 26
You have rebelled by:
[] Listening to "worldly music" [this was hard, seeing as my parents introduced me to Fleetwood Mac and Elton John...]
[x] Wearing black fingernail polish [should I call this 'rebelling???']
[] Wearing tight clothes or letting your midriff show
[] Watching a *gasp* PG-13 movie
[x] Breaking dress code
[] Listening to music with a beat (Christian or otherwise)
[] Dancing. Especially dances that involve contact for longer than 2 seconds. With somebody of the opposite gender.
subtract this from total
total: 28
1-10 You're not really a homeschooler...you just do school at home
11-21 You're a homeschooler, but not what the world expects
22-32 You're a homeschooler
33-? You probably wouldn't have facebook to begin with...but congrats you're the stereotypical homeschooler
Also, I'm ignoring the Azande of Sudan and their witchcraft...
Growing up/now
[x] Own/have owned a denim jumper
[] You were at least 13 when you got your first "trendy" haircut
[] Everything in your closet at some time was referred to as modest
[x] You do/have tucked things in that shouldn't be tucked in
[] You have been a member of at least 3 co-ops
[x] You were a true 16 and never been kissed
[x] Your mom drives a van of some sort
[] You have at least one childhood picture where you, your mom, or all you siblings matched
[] You are/were/will be a PSEO Student
[x] At some point in your life you were more comfortable with adults than kids your own age
[x] Have studied ways to defend your beliefs, debate, and/or create laws
[] Used uber conservative ABecka curriculum
Total: 6
[x] You use big words that most adults could not use in conversation
[] You can use the words sublime, epiphany, and cognicent correctly
[] You have a favorite word.
[x] You have an understanding of Latin root words and how to use them
[x] People from the outside world are [were] referred to as "public schoolers"
[x] You or one of your siblings knits.
[x] You laugh at the decline in literacy in America
[x] You score constantly higher than "public schoolers" on standardized tests.
[] You have no concept of cafeteria food
[x] Family vacations are/ can be referred to as "Field Trips"
[] Traveling on said vacations have included stopping at historical site markers along the way
[] You have never been in a public elementary school, middle school, or high school during regular school hours (any or all of the above)
[x] You have gone to or been involved in a homeschool convention
Total so far: 14
[x] You read books on a regular basis
[] You have taken part in a political protest
[] You were a Pride and Prejudice fan before the movie [depends on which movie]
[x] You were a Lord of the Rings fan prior to the movie
[x] You were a Chronicles of Narnia fan before the movie
[x] You speak a language other than English [ish]
[] You dream of dating characters from books instead of celebrities
Total so far: 18
It (has been) assumed that you:....
[] Have won many spelling bees
[x] Have no social life
[] Have no friends of the opposite gender
[x] Are outstandingly smart
[]Are extremely inept
[] Only listen to classical music
[] Play piano or the violin
[] Do not own a pair of trendy jeans.
[] Have no knowledge of drugs or alcohol
[] Don't date, only court.
[] Have never been to a "party"
[] Know no other beliefs other than what your family believes
Total so far: 20
You have been asked more than 10 times:
[x] If you wear pajamas to school
[x] If you get perfect grades because your mom grades you
[x] If your mom teaches you or if somebody else's mom does
[x] How you meet people
[x] Why you aren't in school
[x] If you get days off whenever you want
[] If you're going to be homeschooled through college
[] If you have a big family
[] What your parents are protecting you from
[] To quote something famous
[] For the answer, because supposedly homeschoolers always have all the answers
Total so far: 26
You have rebelled by:
[] Listening to "worldly music" [this was hard, seeing as my parents introduced me to Fleetwood Mac and Elton John...]
[x] Wearing black fingernail polish [should I call this 'rebelling???']
[] Wearing tight clothes or letting your midriff show
[] Watching a *gasp* PG-13 movie
[x] Breaking dress code
[] Listening to music with a beat (Christian or otherwise)
[] Dancing. Especially dances that involve contact for longer than 2 seconds. With somebody of the opposite gender.
subtract this from total
total: 28
1-10 You're not really a homeschooler...you just do school at home
11-21 You're a homeschooler, but not what the world expects
22-32 You're a homeschooler
33-? You probably wouldn't have facebook to begin with...but congrats you're the stereotypical homeschooler
Monday, March 9, 2009
Nothings and Everythings
I don't really know what I'm thinking these days. I feel very confident in myself, in the future. But at the same time, so much is uncertain, not revealed to me. It's odd being at this place in my life.
For example.
ResLife. I know what I want, I know what I think would be great, but who knows where they will put me? Who knows how hard it is going to be, what is going to come around the corner and yell SURPISE! as loudly as it can in my ear. Heck, it happened last semester, and I thought last semester was going to be the closest thing to perfect I had ever experienced (guess again...).
Another example.
School. Where did American Government come from, and why is it set on laying it's teeth into my backside?? Gosh! This class has made me reevalute my life, my ability to learn and study. Not only that, but it's made me view professors differently, and it's given me different relationships with other students. It's pretty much giving me a run for my money. And then there's that paper that my friend wrote, and all that research it took, all that time. Looking over her stuff made me ask myself, are you willing to work this hard? Are you going to step up and do the work required of you? Even a more frightening question: are you able to?
(do we ever stop growing? please?)
It's incredible.
Today Mom Nat and I sat down and read three chapters from Do Hard Things by the Wise brothers. Incredible. It made me think about the soup kitchen I wanted to open when I was a kid. Could I do that? How would I do that? Don't I have other things to do first? How american am I? What are the expectations within my brain dictating everything I do, and how do I rewrite them?
Discovering that you don't know yourself is odd, and for some reason I'm rather calm. I'm still confident.
Also, what is love?
I mean, that's random, but trust me, it fits.
How long is it going to take?
Am I waiting for the right thing?
I wish I wasn't so connected. Then I'd be able to write a specified post.
For example.
ResLife. I know what I want, I know what I think would be great, but who knows where they will put me? Who knows how hard it is going to be, what is going to come around the corner and yell SURPISE! as loudly as it can in my ear. Heck, it happened last semester, and I thought last semester was going to be the closest thing to perfect I had ever experienced (guess again...).
Another example.
School. Where did American Government come from, and why is it set on laying it's teeth into my backside?? Gosh! This class has made me reevalute my life, my ability to learn and study. Not only that, but it's made me view professors differently, and it's given me different relationships with other students. It's pretty much giving me a run for my money. And then there's that paper that my friend wrote, and all that research it took, all that time. Looking over her stuff made me ask myself, are you willing to work this hard? Are you going to step up and do the work required of you? Even a more frightening question: are you able to?
(do we ever stop growing? please?)
It's incredible.
Today Mom Nat and I sat down and read three chapters from Do Hard Things by the Wise brothers. Incredible. It made me think about the soup kitchen I wanted to open when I was a kid. Could I do that? How would I do that? Don't I have other things to do first? How american am I? What are the expectations within my brain dictating everything I do, and how do I rewrite them?
Discovering that you don't know yourself is odd, and for some reason I'm rather calm. I'm still confident.
Also, what is love?
I mean, that's random, but trust me, it fits.
How long is it going to take?
Am I waiting for the right thing?
I wish I wasn't so connected. Then I'd be able to write a specified post.
Friday, February 27, 2009
knocked sideways
it's so strange. there are a lot of songs for it.
i'm actually to the point where i dont' care about the distractions, about being knocked sideways and not really knowing what hit me. actually, i've moved beyond that point. now i don't mind it, and won't deny it, but i want to keep going, keep growing, keep moving forward and not sitting here thinking about it and talking about it.
i want so much to change and so much to stay the same. i want it to come, and i want it to stay away for a while so i can do more of the same thinking that is driving me crazy and taking me in circles.
it's all assumption too. that is the most frustrating thing.
i'm actually to the point where i dont' care about the distractions, about being knocked sideways and not really knowing what hit me. actually, i've moved beyond that point. now i don't mind it, and won't deny it, but i want to keep going, keep growing, keep moving forward and not sitting here thinking about it and talking about it.
i want so much to change and so much to stay the same. i want it to come, and i want it to stay away for a while so i can do more of the same thinking that is driving me crazy and taking me in circles.
it's all assumption too. that is the most frustrating thing.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Counting
I was thinking about the fact that my old roommate comes to see me and how I'm never here when she stops by. That fact makes me very sad. I want to be in my room for longer than an hour at a time.
I had four meetings today.
Three classes.
Two meals.
One post.
I had four meetings today.
Three classes.
Two meals.
One post.
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